“How can I best support you?”
One of my favorite questions to ask clients when we start working together is “How can I best support you?” This question works in any situation: if a person is trying to loose weight, is returning to work after maternity leave, is managing a challenging family situation, training for a marathon or changing their relationship to alcohol. Different situations and people require different support and it’s critical to meet someone at their point of need.
This question is awesome to ask friends and family as well. I never assume I know what someone needs. Rather, I ask them what support is needed as this is empowering them to tell me ask for what with nourish them. If I can, I will provide that support but if that’s not accessible then I can direct them to another person or resource who can support.
And you don’t need to be a Health Coach to ask this question! Try it yourself. The next time someone comes to you with a problem, is having a tough time, or is sharing a new goal or idea ask them, “How can I best support you?” rather than chiming in with advice or judgement. It’s easy to slip into “You know what you should do…” when someone might not want a solution, they might want someone to simply listen.
Maybe the person needs their dog walked because they are recovering from an illness. Or they need help with childcare while in grad school so they can study for a few hours on the weekend. Maybe they like getting funny running memes (I know I do) while training for a race or sharing recipes for plant based meals while limiting their meat consumption. We’re not doing the work for the person, but rather we’re supporting them along the way.
Much of how we can support each others and how we can ask for support ourselves depends on the our Love Language. I have loved learning about the 5 Love Language for my marriage but also for friends and family. You’ll take a quiz to determine your primary and then secondary Love Language. For example, my primary Love Language is “Acts of Service” and then secondary “Quality Time.” So if I was stressed or worried, it wouldn’t be supportive to receive flowers (“Gifts” isn’t my Love Language). It would however be supportive to have the dishwasher emptied or to go on a long walk with a friend to process my feelings. Knowing and then asking for support allows my partner and other folks close to me to give me what I need. And that is so deeply nourishing.
Imagine if your partner, boss or friend was speaking Spanish but you were answering them in Russian. The conversation won’t go very far. You might understand each other a little bit but not enough to really thrive. Giving someone the support they need is like speaking their language, not yours. And when you’re supporting someone it’s about them, not about you.
Now that you’re ready to ask “How can I best support you” you might notice something interesting happens. Often times, a person has never been asked this question directly, so it might be confusing for them at first. It might come as a surprise and so they respond, “I don’t know what I need.” And that’s okay. Allow the person time to consider what support would look like and then they will respond when they are ready.
If the response is, “I just need time to myself” or “I want someone to check in on me” they are now empowered to ask for what they need. We don’t need to fix a problem for someone, especially if their answer is, “I just need to process this with someone.” We listen, we don’t fix if they don’t want us to.
This is a work in progress and a skill to build. You might not get it right on the 1st try (or the 12th) but with practice you’ll hold space for folks and provide them support in a way that is nourishing to them. You’ll also be able to ask for what you need.
Have questions about this topic? Drop me a comment below or send me an e-mail: shawnbrownyoga@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you!