Honoring the previous versions of me
"Be kind to all the past versions of you;
they are the soil in which you now bloom."
In 41 years on this planet I have been different versions of myself. You have as well, we all have. Some of these former selves feel closer to my current reality and others seem almost unrecognizable.
Through my meditation practice and the intentional observation of my mind with the constant "chitta vritti", I have noticed how I tend to look at those former selves. I observed how angry I was at myself and how I spoke to the other versions with a critical voice.
"Why weren't you smarter? A harder worker?"
"You should have stopped drinking sooner, why did you wait so long?"
"You should have been stronger / more focused / better at sports / tried harder in school"
I have tended to think of those previous versions of myself as weaker or less than the version of me that is existing now, she who is typing this. But recently I have decided on a mindset shift: one that encourages me to see those former selves as soil, so now I can bloom. I'd like to think I'm better than I was at 31 and certainly wayyyyy better than 21 (although that gal sure did have fun!)
Those former selves had interests, ideas, behaviors and friendships that this current version of myself doesn't. I have changed, I have bloomed in new ways. I have used those experiences to continue to develop into the woman I will become.
As is often the case, the full moon makes me introspective. I was reflecting on all the things I have left go of that weren't serving me. Things that used to be a big part of my life that now, simply aren't there.
Here are the top 3 things I used to enjoy and now I don't. Not that these things are bad, they just aren't necessary now to cultivate and grow my current garden. We are always a work in progress, we just have to meet our current self and the former versions as well with compassion.
Bars
Then: I used to go to bars all.the.time. From 2001 - 2018 I was in a bar 1-3 times/week. After kickball, for dinner with buddies, watching football, birthday parties, holidays like St. Patrick's Day and just about every weekend. I lost my credit card, stumbled home, danced my ass off, made questionable decisions, etc. I was spending money on shitty drinks that made me feel like crap. Getting drinks spilled on me, losing my voice from yelling just to have a conversation with the person next to me.
Now: The noise, lights and enclosed space feel terrible. I was in a bar recently for the 1st time in a very (verryyyyy) long time and actually said to several people, "it is always so loud or have I just not been in a bar for a while? I couldn't be in the bar for 3 hours. I had to take a break. I put on my hat, coat, gloves and looped the block. I needed the fresh air, the January cold felt amazing for my nervous system and I went back inside after a few minutes. But I just couldn't stand it, I felt clostorbotic and out of place. I was straining to hear a conversation but really I didn't want to be a part of it anyway. So I left, muttered to myself on the walk home "Why would I ever want to be in a bar? I can't believe I used to do this all the time"
What's interesting is that going to a show (and I loveeee seeing live music) doesn't have the same effect on me. I can just zone in on the music, it gives me a focal point. But in a bar, there's so much excess. And why the hell am I yelling to talk to people that I don't actually find interesting. If I don't want to sit next to you on the couch, each of us with a tea, listening to music we love then I certainly don't want to yell over everything else to talk to you. Totally devoid of a spiritual element, this is an activity I can't believe I used to love. It feels like a different lifetime.
Bikram Yoga
Then: I drank the kool-aid on Bikram yoga...okay I chugged it like I was chugging everything else from 2010 - 2014. As a college athlete, the intense, hard and demanding practice really spoke to me. I low key loved that I couldn't have water until the coach, er uh, I mean the instructor allowed me to do so. Students were encouraged to not leave the room, they were encouraged to push harder and harder to and then beyond the edge. In the post-college sports years, this was the structure and intensity I wanted, in large part because I missed it. I was a 3-season athlete since I was 8 years old and I loved being challenged. So after college lacrosse ended, I felt like there was a physical intensity void, and bikram totally filled that void.
Now: This all changed when I started to practice other forms of yoga. I became a yoga teacher in 2016. The thought of telling my students, or someone telling me, that I couldn't leave or had to wait to drink water is absurd. The thought that I would make someone move their body in a way that might not be authentic for them is awful. It's not about the pose, it's just not. There is no "perfect" posture yet Bikram students and teachers were encouraged to do yoga competitions (what the actual heck!?) I frequently and consistently tell my students, "posture is not a metric or indication of your character." Being "good at yoga" which translates to "achieving a desirable physical shape with your body" doesn't mean you're a good person. Yet this never occured to me when I was practicing bikram. Totally devoid of a spiritual element, this is a practice I used to love but no longer serves me. It feels like a different lifetime.
TV
Then: Like many folks, TV was a way for me to relax and zone out. I would be into several shows, waiting for them to come on and, in the dark ages of the 00's, I would DVR them. I would spend large chunks of time in between sleeping and awake on a Saturday or Sunday watching TV hungover on my couch. Cooking shows, home design shows, sports, movies. "Friends" I watched a lot of "Friends." I hate(d) Seinfield. I watched the Real World, America's Got Talent, and rather embarrassingly, the Jersey Shore. Did someone put these on the TV or was this a former version of myself that did so? Did I actually enjoy them or did I not have the energy to turn them off because they were already zapping me?
Now: The thought of sitting down to watch a screen feels awful. I already look at my phone or laptop enough, why would I want an even bigger screen with fast moving images. The commercials are the weirdest. Selling the dumbest of things but mostly fast food, cars and booze. Oh and drugs...the TV is selling drugs. Pharma commercials are the most absurd, with lists and lists of side effects. How in the world would these products be legal? Real talk: I barely know how to turn on the TV in my house. If I didn't live with my husband, I wouldn't even have a TV. I haven't had a TV in the bedroom since 2008. Totally devoid of a spiritual element, this is a practice I used to love but no longer serves me. It feels like a different lifetime.
In all three examples, that former version of myself was looking for, but didn't exactly find, connection. She was missing spirituality, connection to self and community. Now, without booze, with a more nourishing yoga practice and no TV I cannot believe how much better I feel. When I allow myself to change, like the flowers in the soil, I can become a more authentic version of myself.
And so, I honor those past versions of myself, I am kinder to the Shawnies who drank and did hardcore yoga and watched TV. I am so grateful because they taught me about who I didn't want to be.
Naturally, this means that in 5 years or 15 years and certainly in 25 years I will look back and think, "Oh that adorable little me at 41, how did she think and do those things?" My future self will meet this version of me with compassion and kindness. My current self is cultivating the garden for the future me.
How does this land for you? Can you honor and make peace with the former versions of yourself? Have you stopped doing something, changed your behavior and now feel better for it? I'd love to keep this conversation rolling.